New year, new me ??

To some reflecting on 2017 and thinking about wants for 2018 might seem a little late.

But I think looking now, out of the high of Christmas and New Year lets you see the year before and the year ahead a little bit more clearly.

We are no longer in the feels of festive joys that can sometimes make us look back with rose tinted glasses and look forward with false enthusiasm.

I struggled last year.

It started well.

I had my care budget approved which meant I could move away from the company I was using and move forward with finding my own team.

I had a great birthday in London and my mental health felt the best it’d been for over 18th month.

But as was a running theme throughout the year, whenever I felt I had some stability and I could start looking forward, one, three, five things would happen that would have me further from where I had even started.

I’d do as I always do and fight my way back, but it’s just been so exhausting and overwhelming this last year.

It’s felt like there’s been so much more than ever to fight for.

I have had plenty of times where I’ve smiled and laughed, but there’s always been that underlying stress.

I’m not as full of umpff moving into 2018 as I have been in past years.

I have no new year, new start, new me feels, just new year same shit feels.

My bubble of naivety has burst.

Ticking this box, this box and this box isn’t going to solve everything.

But I can’t just settle for easy, for getting by.

I refuse to just exist, and let go of the things I want because something happened to me that made just existing a fight, let alone achieving all those things I’ve always wanted from my life.

I know that no matter how frustrated, overwhelmed or weak I may feel when I’m hit with yet another blow, my want for more will always eventually pull me through.

So I’ll do as I always do in 2018 and I’ll fight.

I’ll have great times, and I’ll undoubtedly have move hardships.

But I want to try and focus as much of my energy on that that is good, as I do on the things that aren’t so much.

Stick with my mantra for the year, take it day by day.

Love, C x

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