If one day I woke up and a fairy godmother was sat at the bottom of my bed, well I’d probably freak out, but if I was, and she was here to give me one day without my wheels, without my paralysis and all that comes with it, this is what I’d do.
Firstly I’d make sure I was waking up in a huge bed, in a fancy hotel room, ALL BY MYSELF.
You see I need someone pretty much in the same building as me 24/7 for a whole host of reasons. I have to put every decision I make through someone else, and of course they have no consequence to that decision, but it does often make you over think things a little, in that people will have some kind of judgement of you.
So to be able to wake up by myself, just put on a dressing gown order my breakfast, have a bath! A long bath with bath bombs and bubbles, ALL BY MYSELF is a luxury I couldn’t even imagine.
I’d then just go into my suitcase and pick anything I wanted without having to utter a word, whilst dancing around the room to every song I’ve wanted to over the last 10 years.
I’d probably choose a skirt, skirts aren’t easy, and I’d do my own makeup and my own hair, and it’ll be exactly how I want it to be.
I’d then walk down the stairs and get a taxi to ANYWHERE I wanted, without having to have any second thought about it apart from hoping it’d have good food and good drinks.
I’d then be told the only available tables were upstairs and are the high tables with stools, and I’d just smile and say that’s fine.
I’d have a drink while I waited for my soon to be sister in law and cousin, happily by myself.
When they turned up we’d eat, and I’d pick anything I wanted, because I could use my hands to pick up the food, or I’d be sat close enough to the table to actually be able to reach the food, and there’d be no worry about having forgot my fork, because they have forks I can use. A burger probably, and chips, and I’d probably cut up all the chips just because I can.
Then, then we shop!!
I’d easily get through the aisles and I’d be able to reach things, and pick them up and feel the fabric. I’d be able to choose clothes that just looked nice, and try it on, then and there in the shop.
We’d walk back to the bus stop through a park, where I’ll take off my shoes and walk through the grass and I’d feel it through my toes.
On the way home I’d visit my grandads house, my aunts house, places I’ve not been able to visit for over 10 years.
Once home I’d go to my old bedroom upstairs and collapse onto my bed.
I’d wait, curled up in my bed for my friends to arrive. Then like every weekend from before the wheels, we’d have my music on full, dancing around, being silly getting ready to go out.
Now honestly clubbing isn’t necessarily something I miss, I’m not about that, but dancing. I miss dancing so much! I’m no professional, but dancing in any and every way was just my absolute favourite thing.
So I would gather everyone I love together and go out to dance until the very last moment possible.
Oh what a day it’d be.
I write this post because it’s something I’m asked a lot.
But also because it shows in someways all those extra little things that is effected by my spinal injury, things that to everyone else isn’t really even a conscious thought, it’s just something you do.
Because when I am asked this question I’m asked “what would you do if you could walk again?” And it really isn’t that, there’s so much more.
This question is also often followed by “do you wish you could walk again?”
But honestly, despite all these thoughts of what ifs, being able to walk again is the last thing on my list of wants.
I’d want my hands, with your hands comes true independence.
To be able to make decisions without having to think of others, or ifs and buts.
To not have to plan things in so much detail.
These are the things I would want back.
Maybe one day science will figure these things out, but right now they are just thoughts. Thoughts I have and that I am happy to fantasise about, but I don’t dwell on them.
Yes i can get frustrated, and if I could go back, I would. But I’m grateful that I’m here, I’m grateful that I have the things that I do, that I have movement, I can think and speak as ably as most. That I can breathe unassisted, and have things that I can still do relatively easily independently.
It’s all the little things.
Love, C x