Failure?

I’ve been thinking a lot recently, so much more than usual, I know, who even knew that was possible?

And in all this thinking I have come to realise how much all my thoughts have changed from those early years of my accident, to now.

You see I’ve been feeling a little like a failure in just about everything at the moment, and that people are just getting a little exasperated with me. I feel like everyone around me got used to a Chloe that was naive to her new world, enthusiastic about finding her way, and in the thought it’d all be easy.

They have heard me say over and over that I want to achieve all these different things, continue with all the goals I’ve always had, and that I won’t let my disability stop me.

Yet here I am, no further on really, the only thing I’ve really done is get my degree. Which is huge yes, I acknowledge that, and I’m immensely proud, but three years on from that I feel people expect more.

I guess it comes from an accumulation of so many different things.

There’s that societal pressure of you must have this, this and this by the time you get to whatever age in order to live a fulfilling happy life. Mixed with everyone around me reaching those goals and feeling further and further behind.

Then there’s the fact I’ve lived with disability for 10 years now, and I now know how fucking hard it is.

I honestly thought it would be so easy.

In hospital you’re in an environment that’s pretty accessible, and everyone is in the same situation. I accepted straight away what had happened, I knew it wasn’t going to change so I just wanted to get on with life.

Then i become a part of the real world again.

I couldn’t just get on with my day because the care wasn’t there to help me get out of bed. I went from being able to make friends so easily to everyone being terrified to talk to me. To having conversations where I was included on the next trip, to not even being included in the conversation. From feeling like the world was my oyster, to not even feeling like I had a place in my own community.

That initial shock really shook me and it took a long time to get to a place where I thought I was strong again. I got on that path again of feeling like I could tackle my way through life, and I felt confident about where I was heading.

Then college let me down, kicked me out because I’d been off to many times while dealing with MRSA, even though all my work had been in on time.

I fought my way back.

Then had the adaption to the house rejected because “it would spoil the view” and “I had a cellar I could live in.”

Again I’d push through and fight.

Care would fall through, again and again and again…

With everyone of these push backs the fight gets a little bit harder, and you’ve fallen further behind everyone around you, and further from being able to achieve all those things you were supposed to have achieved by now.

You don’t only have to find your way back to your starting point, but you have to build yourself back up to being able to move forward.

People don’t see these battles, and I know it’s in part because I don’t always express how hard the fight is.

People don’t see that being disabled means you are always going to be at the very least one step behind, because we live in a world where you are an afterthought. A world where you are seen as a drain on the system, surrounded by people like Piers Morgans that think disabled people would be fine if they just stopped feeling sorry for themselves and get on with it.

The point is we do, every god damn day!

We have to get on with having no or incorrect equipment which is necessary to exist let alone live, because it’s deemed to expensive. We have to get on with people parking in disabled parking spaces when they’re just popping into the shop. Get on with disabled bathrooms or the entrance to them being used as a store room. Get on with inadequate care, resources, job opportunities, wheelchair fucking access.

How am I supposed to keep up with everyone else, when I can’t even get access to a correct sling to get out of bed.

How can I not feel like a failure when in almost every way I’m set up to fail, and how can people not see me as a failure when they just see the expectations.

Love, C x

3 thoughts on “Failure?

  1. Chloe you are not a failure you are the furthest thing from it. You have done nothing but amaze me the entire time I have known you. It’s not you Who is failing it is the world we leave in that is failing you! You do nothing but try and overcome things that are thrown at you from lack of support with your PAs, to not being allowed equipment that you need which is just ridiculous! Anyone could and probably would have given up right after the accident but you didn’t even when that stupid college kicked you out you still went on to get your degree and with how difficult that turned out to be you did it!
    I completely understand why you might feel like you are failing and falling behind but honestly Chloe you are amazing and so talented!
    With your determination I know you will get where you want to be in life and be a true inspiration to so many.

    You are a credit to yourself and your family!
    Xxx

    Like

  2. Ouch!
    That’s pretty raw.
    I agree with everything the first poster said.
    I’ve had similar feelings in some ways. I haven’t really achieved much in normal societal terms in 10 years, although living healthily with high-level tetraplegic is a pretty big mission on its own!
    Doing your degree post injury is a HUGE achievement and you are still young so lots of time ahead of you.
    I think aswell, because you were so young when you had your accident you will inevitably have had lots of friends and family who will seem like they have moved on massively with uni/jobs etc in a short space of time because of being at that transition age.
    One of my friends who is nearly 15 years post injury just got a job which he is really happy with and it is the first time he has worked since his accident.
    Hopefully you will have a good end to the year.

    Like

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