Before I was set to start my clothing ban I thought I’d have a mad buying spree in the Christmas and Boxing Day sales, this wasn’t the case. In fact as I was scrolling through I just kept thinking, buying this is me just buying for the sake of buying. I bought 2 jumpers and a rugby jersey type thing, but that was it.
I must have already been in the none buying mind set.
I expected January to be pretty easy because it’s only 4 weeks in, and who needs clothes in January? No one does anything, and it’s to cold to wear anything but jumpers. And for the most part it was easy, except for this one day.
About half way through the month I tried on the rugby jersey I had bought for the first time because I honestly thought it’d fit fine.
It fit, just not how I expected and how I wanted it to.
This instantly put me in a bad mood because its something that’s wrapped up in a whole bunch of other thoughts and feelings I have, and that day it just really got to me.
Although I’m not necessarily overly expressive with my fashion choices, and I don’t follow trends and such, clothes help me feel a little bit more “normal”
bare with me.
Having such a life changing accident at 16 and trying to jump back into life at 17, I just wanted to grab onto any kind of my normality. I wanted to feel like me still, feel like an average 17 year old, like all my friends, and the one way I thought I could do that was with my clothes.
But things where different now, it wasn’t as easy as just putting on a top, it fit different, it looked different.
It took me a long time to wrestle with all the different feelings of insecurities and frustrations, and through that time of finding the clothes that felt right, I worked through my insecurities and I worked through accepting my disability, and finding the new me.
I’m now comfortable and happy enough that if something doesn’t fit or look right I just take it off and send it back.
But because I was the top was something I had no second thought about, because it should of been fine, it took me right back to that place where my favourite top from before the accident looked ridiculous when I tried it after.
It really had me down for most of the day, all I wanted to do was get rid of the top, along with everything in my wardrobe and buy new stuff. Start afresh, throw away those feelings and new things will make me feel better.
Then I thought no. Yeah, momentarily you might feel better, but you have no problem with your entire wardrobe, just get rid of the one top, feel those feelings for a moment, then remember how far you have come.
By the next day I felt much better, and in a way I’m grateful for this shopping ban, because it allowed me a moment to think through everything instead of looking for a quick fix of gratification.
Still, only 313 days to go!
Love, C x